


Experiment #1: Rite of Spring

by WoodsWitch



Series: Lust is Hell [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: All the prounouns, Awkward First Times, F/M, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Kissing, M/M, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Very early stage pining, bodies are weird, helpful humans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:34:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27328879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodsWitch/pseuds/WoodsWitch
Summary: Part 1 of Lust is Hell, 3920 BC.In which Crawly decides to find out more about this sex thing the humans seem to be so enthusiastic about. Aziraphale isn't much help, but his first earthly acquaintance gives him/her some useful advice.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Lust is Hell [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995316
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Experiment #1: Rite of Spring

"Why do they do it, d'ya think?" Crawly said musingly.

Aziraphale's forehead wrinkled. "Why does who do what?"

The demon waved a hand at the flirting couple on the other side of the circle of huts that made up the center of the village. "The humans. Smashing their various squishy bits together all the time. S'a bit weird, if you ask me."

"Well, it _is_ how they make more humans," the angel pointed out reasonably.

"Is it?" Crawly didn't like to think back so far - there was a fiery moat of painful memories to cross on the way - but, yes, he _did_ vaguely remember that being part of the early blueprints. "Still, that can't be the whole thing, can it? I mean...we'd be swimming in babies if you got one of those every time they went at it. Also, I've only seen the ones with wombs have babies but I'm pretty sure I've spotted two male ones looking at each other like _that_ pair are doing more than once."

Aziraphale cleared his throat. "Ah. Well, I've heard that the process is meant to be pleasant. To encourage the baby-making, and sticking together to raise them."

"Huh." That didn't really address his last question, but... "Suppose it'd have to be, really. You know. To get them to do something that silly-looking and, well, _damp_ semi-regularly."

" _Exactly_." Aziraphale nodded crisply. "Like the way eating is enjoyable. So they don't just get bored with chewing and accidentally starve to death."

"Hmm. So what's it like?"

The angel raised an eyebrow at him. "You ask that as if I'd know."

"Ah, right. Silly question, I guess."

Not _that_ silly, of course, Crawly thought. The angel had been putting every vaguely-edible-looking thing he could find in his mouth as long as he'd been down here, and seemed to get almost more enjoyment than the humans did out of that practice. But it still wasn't particularly surprising if he found _this_ aspect of humanity just as baffling as the demon did. Crawly would just have to ask someone else.

"You want to know why people have sex?" Eve said, looking vaguely bemused. While they'd rather got off on the wrong foot - or coil, or whatever - initially, she'd warmed to Crawly after they'd helped deliver her first set of twins and had shown an unexpected flair at teaching and entertaining small humans1.

The demon shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, the more of you lot there are, the more inescapable it is. The angel said it felt pleasant and made babies. But he didn't know what it was like either, and I still don't really get it."

The corner of the woman's mouth quirked up. "But you'd like to understand?"

Crawly rolled his eyes. "Uh, _yeah_. Obviously. Serpent of knowledge here, ya know."

Eve hummed thoughtfully. Her brown skin was still smooth, her dark curls untouched by frost, but she'd accumulated over sixty years of experience by now.

"Well, for starters, 'pleasant' is a bit of an understatement. Most people seem to find it one of the most enjoyable things one can do. Especially if they do it with someone they are in love with, or at least really like."

Crawly nodded slowly. That made sense. Most things that fell in the category of "fun" were better if you did them with someone you liked. After all, he never bothered to eat on his own, but if Aziraphale or Eve or one of the kids offered him something they thought was delicious, there was a pleasure in their reaction to watching him try it that went beyond the flavor of the food itself. And it would probably be even better if _he_ could offer _them_ something they'd never tasted before. Ooh, especially if it was the angel; if Crawly picked something good the reaction would be _spectacular_. He'd have to try that sometime.

"It makes you feel very close to that person," Eve continued. "Almost like you're sharing the same body."

Crawly made a face. "Urrgh. _That's_ a bit odd, isn't it?"

Eve shrugged. "Maybe. But most people feel a pull toward someone in that way. Not just to touch them but...to be known by them, I guess?" Her expression went shrewd. "Isn't there anyone you feel that way about?"

"Er..." Crawly coughed. "Course not. 'm a demon, aren't I? Hah. Catch me having any kind of soft, squishy feelings like that!"

"Of course. I'm sorry." Was that _sarcasm_ in her tone? "What about someone you think is really nice to look at, then?"

"Well, there is the angel, of course. Er. I mean, obviously. Angels are s'posed to be perfect, aren't they?" he added hurriedly. "But I'm not sure how _that's_ relevant. Angels generally don't have the relevant bits. Or the inclination, as far as I can tell." He bit his lip, aware he had started to ramble slightly.

"And you do?"

Bless it, it sounded like she was trying to be _sympathetic_. As if he was confessing some unrequited crush. Which was definitely _not_ what was happening here. 

"The _bits_ , yeah," Crawly said irritably. "But that's mainly because...I don't know, it feels right. Wearing a humanish body without genitals feels like walking around in one sandal. They just go with the ensemble, ya know? Not sure about the inclination, though. Never particularly noticed it."

An awkward silence descended for a few moments.

"Ah well. Maybe I'll never really get it," Crawly sighed. "Thanks for trying, though."

"Hey, Crawly," she called, as he sauntered off.

"Yeah?"

"If you do decide to give it a try...find someone kind."

"Er, what?"

Eve shrugged. "As you've implied, it _is_ kind of a weird and awkward thing. Make sure you find someone who'll teach you nicely. Especially if you aren't sure the whole thing is for you. Or someone who'll be willing to laugh and work it out together if they don't know what they're doing either - that works too. I say _that_ from experience."

Crawly grinned. "Right. Thanks, apple lady."

"Any time, snake guy." 

Crawly didn't try to follow her advice for another twenty years and, when they did, decided to do it as a _she_. This was due to some discreet inquiries and general snooping around the humans, during which the demon had learned that A: there was less potential for one's bits to refuse to participate in an embarrassing way2, and B: if it _did_ go well there was the potential for it to go well several times in rapid succession, which seemed like a bonus.

A village that they hadn't visited in a generation or so was having a sort of fertility festival; a perfect opportunity. Crawly miracled the dust out of her dark robe, combed out her long copper locks, stuck a red camellia blossom behind her ear - the humans were all wearing flowers of some sort - and slouched against a wall to observe the crowd. Her eye fell first on a tall fellow to her right. How could it not, really? Besides being confident and muscular, with bronze skin and long black hair, he was surrounded by at least three swooning ladies at all times. But Crawly didn't really feel like making this a competition3. _Besides..._ Her forked tongue flicked the air quickly. Yep. The dude reeked of Pride. Unsurprisingly. So...nah.

The fellow handing out some kind of sweet cakes to the festivalgoers wasn't as physically imposing, but still handsome enough. There was something in his manner that reminded her of Aziraphale. Which was probably good. After all, if you wanted to find someone kind, an angel who was polite even to demons had to be the ideal model, right? So she sashayed over, took a cake, and struck up a conversation. Cake guy was rather charming, and a font of information about the local area.

"So, what brings a lovely foreign lady like yourself to our village?" he inquired.

"Well..." Crawly allowed herself to blush. "Given the nature of the festival, I was rather hoping I might find a man to show me a good time."

Cake guy smiled impishly. "Aren't we all, my dear."

 _Oh, bollocks,_ Crawly sighed. _Should I...no, swapping genders right now would only confuse him._ She'd picked a form for the evening, and she'd better stick with it. "Seeing as you seem to know everyone here...any suggestions?"

Cake guy rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he considered the options. "Hmm. Well, Choni over there is a good sort, and he could probably use some cheering up." He nodded his head at a rather skinny fellow with a dark ponytail who was watching the proceedings glumly with his chin in his hands.

"Yeah?"

"Well, his girl ditched him for Alatan," Cake guy explained, indicating Pride dude and his giggling entourage. "Which is technically allowable tonight but still kind of a cold move unless everyone involved is OK with it. In my opinion, anyway."

Crowley smiled at him. "Thanks for the tip. Hope you find what you're looking for as well."

"Mind if I sit here?"

The voice was rather low, almost a purr, and shook Choni out of his gloomy reverie. He looked up to see an exotically lovely woman, with milk-pale skin and long curls the color of a fox's pelt. "Uh... Yeah. Sure."

She slipped gracefully onto the bench beside him. "Are you here alone as well....?"

"Choni." Her eyes reminded him of some creature of the forest too. Not a fox, though; a wildcat perhaps. He sighed. "Yeah, apparently."

For a while they sat, watching dancers circle a bonfire at the center of the ring of huts, to the accompaniment of drums. Occasionally one dancer would brave the flames and jump across the fire.

"I've never seen this festival before," the woman remarked. "What's with the dance? What does it mean?"

"Um, well. It's about welcoming back the sun after the winter. By jumping across, the dancers show their strength and courage. And that they're happy about the coming spring."

She nodded. "I see. And, from what people are saying, it sounded like the flowers, and cakes, and the...pairing off after, are about new life and growth?"

"Yeah."

She smiled, a broad joyful smile that looked strange and yet somehow not entirely out of place on her angular face. "How _interesting_." She fixed him with one golden eye. "D' you dance, Choni?" 

He shook his head. "Hurt my leg hunting last year. Not quite up to it."

"That's a shame. _Fortunately_..." she gave him a cheeky grin, "There's more than one way to demonstrate courage. Don't you agree?"

"Um. Yeah. " Choni stared back into her golden eyes, and swallowed. She smelled like smoke and spices. "Do you...do you want to go some place quiet, maybe?"

_Well, that part wasn't so hard after all_ , Crawly thought, as she followed the young man back toward one of the huts. She'd been tempted to go try that dance - she was quick, and fireproof, and could undoubtedly show the lads something. But that wasn't why she was here. She eyed Choni critically. He wasn't at all bad looking, really. His hair could use with a bit of combing, and he tended to hunch over too much, but he had good bone structure and sensitive-looking green eyes that stood out strikingly against the copper-brown of his skin.

Her prospective lover, she noticed as he drew her down beside him on a mat beside a low fire, seemed almost as nervous as she felt. She wondered why, since the existence of a prior girlfriend suggested he probably had at least some experience in these matters.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Cr...Crocus," she said, trying not to wince as the word came out of her mouth. _Crocus? Seriously?_ Sure, 'Crawly' wasn't a particularly pretty name, and she had noticed some human females got flower names. But that one sounded weird, somehow.

Choni smiled. "That's lovely."

"Is it?"

"Crocuses make saffron. Like the color of your eyes." Choni took her face in his hands, thumbs stroking her cheekbones. "You have really pretty eyes."

Crawly blinked. _I DO?_ But before she could say anything, he had leaned in and pressed his lips to hers.

A few minutes later, Crawly reflected that this kissing thing was definitely better than it looked. The feel of Choni's fingers tangled in her hair or stroking her back, the taste of his mouth, the touch of his lips on her neck, all set off some very pleasant tingling sensations.

"Please...Can I?"

For a moment, she wasn't quite sure what he was asking. Then she noticed his fingers bunched in the hem of her robe. "Ah. Yeah, sure. Go for it."

He lifted the robe over her head, then sat back and stared at her. Crawly was starting to feel self-conscious. "What?"

"You really are beautiful," he breathed. "I can't believe you picked me."

"Pff. Go on. I'm too skinny."

Choni grinned. " _I'm_ skinny."

"Yeah, all right. Fair point. Well, maybe I thought your eyes are pretty too. And you looked like you deserved to have a better time than you were having."

He kissed her again, pulling her lean form up against his. Crawly could feel something hard pressing against her thigh and rubbed up against it experimentally. She was gratified to hear Choni gasp, and hurriedly pull away just enough to tug off his own robe.

Crawly gazed at his lanky naked body curiously. It wasn't that different from hers when she was in male form, really. The cock, though - that was different. It was definitely showing an interest in the proceedings in a way hers had never done. But maybe hers had never had quite the right stimulus.

"Wow, OK." She glanced down at her own crotch, though there wasn't much to see from that angle apart from a nest of copper curls. She wished she'd taken notes the last time she'd seen humans do this. "So, um... Do you just, like, shove it in, or what?"

Choni blinked at her. "What?"

"Sorry. I've... Well, to be honest, I've never done this before."

" _Oh._ Oh, I didn't know. Um." Choni bit his lip. "Tell you what. Why don't you just lay down, and I'll sort of...ease you into it. Is that OK?"

"Yeah, sure. Sounds reasonable."

Choni lay down on top of her, tucking one leg in between hers so that his thigh pressed up against her mound, and began kissing her again. That really was very nice, so Crowley decided not to question the odd alignment of their lower halves. Besides, it was rather fun to watch his reaction when she caught his lower lip in her teeth while tugging on his hair, or dug her nails into his back.

"Are you... _sure_ you've never done this before?"

"Yep. Ooh. _That's_ interesting," she commented, as the rocking of his hips seemed to wake up something between her legs.

Choni smiled, and moved a hand down there.

Crawly could feel fingers sliding through her folds, rubbing up against one particularly sensitive spot, then one of them pushing gently inside her. "Hmm. Is that normally part of this?"

"Yeah. Or, like, it should be. Helps get you wetter."

Crawly shuddered. "Uggh, _please_ do not say that. That is _not_ an attractive word."

Choni grinned. "You might change your mind about that. Besides, this also helps to stretch things out a bit, so you don't get hurt."

"Oh." Crawly was unexpectedly touched4. "That's very thoughtful of you."

"You're welcome. Now _please_ just...relax." He licked a stripe up Crawly's neck, making her arch and gasp, before he slid a second finger in to join the first.

Crawly could feel a strange urgent sensation building somewhere in the vicinity of where her womb would be, had she bothered to install one. And then it sort of burst, spreading out in ripples of pleasure that made her hips jerk and her toes twitch involuntarily.

"Could I...I mean, do you think you're ready?" Choni asked after a bit. He was breathing quite heavily by this point, and his cock felt like iron against her leg.

"Huh?" She had in fact relaxed quite completely, and it took a moment to figure out what he was asking. "Oh..." _Fuck if I know_ , Crawly did not say. "Yeah, I guess."

He nodded and, lining himself up carefully, started to push in. "Is that all right?"

It was a bit more of a stretch than his fingers, but not painful. "Yeah, s'fine. Go for it."

With a groan and a gasp, Choni slid all the way in. " _Oh._ Oh, _Crocus_. You feel so good." He undulated his hips, and she could feel a slight drag and slide inside her body. "Does that feel good to you, too?"

It felt bloody weird, but not at all unpleasant. And the want in his eyes, the way his body trembled in her hands, was weirdly exhilarating. "Yeah." She remembered something she had heard. "You can go faster, if you like."

He did, but Crawly noticed that he was careful still to cradle her neck in one hand and to support his weight on his elbows. A strange thing; with her demonic strength, she could probably snap him like a twig if she wanted to. Not that she _did_ want to, mind you. It was just rather endearing to have a fragile human be concerned for her pleasure and wellbeing.

Eventually, Choni gave a shudder and a cry, and Crawly felt a rather _wet_ sensation. Well, even wetter than before.

He rolled off, and they lay wrapped up in each other's arms.

"Was...was that all right?" Choni managed at last.

"Hmm. Yeah." Crawly thought about it a bit. She didn't feel a particular need to repeat the experience any time soon, but it had been interesting, and rather fun. "Thanks. That was...nice." It was indeed, maybe, not entirely her thing. But she saw now why so many humans were into it. The kissing had been the best bit, really. A ghost of a thought whispered that maybe angels might like kissing too, seeing as it didn't require any special Effort.

But Choni looked like he might need something else.

"Not that I'm the best placed to compare..." Crawly added, "but I think that girlfriend of yours was a fool to leave you alone. Hey - her her loss, right?"

Choni snorted. "I doubt it. She got _Al_."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I somehow suspect he wasn't able to get it up all night."

The man gave her an odd look. "What makes you say that?"

Crawly gave him a wicked grin. "I'm magic."

Choni laughed. "Sure."

"It's true. If you don't believe me...Tomorrow, ask Cake guy how _his_ night went." Crawly couldn't _technically_ do proper blessings anymore. But curses were easy, and a little bit of the luck of the devil could go a long way.

1\. While the demon wasn't exactly good at keeping people out of trouble, they were at least good at keeping small ones out of any life-threatening trouble. (See 'Warning coloration') Back

2\. Though somewhat more risk of your partner not actually knowing how all _your_ bits worked.Back

3\. Though if she _had_ to do so, she would have crushed it. Obviously.Back

4\. After all, no one in hell tried _not_ to hurt each other. And, while up to now Crawly had never been hurt by the angel, or any of the humans, it wasn't as if they'd been doing anything where physical damage might be a risk.Back

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say, I like the idea that Eve and probably everyone else with eyes and a brain has picked up on the fact that Crawly is already crushing hard on Aziraphale...but neither of them have figured that out yet!  
> "Choni" means "A gracious being" - which Crawly deserves for a first time, especially given the stuff I'm probably going to put him/her/them through in later installments of this series (Sorry in advance!).  
> Cake guy is a pretty good wingman. I'm sure Crawly's demonic blessing turned out however he hoped it would.


End file.
